I recently heard on a recorded Susie Larson Podcast that hardship often proceeds miracles.* I considered that a bit, comparing it with my own story. I would have to agree.
This morning, I remembered how angry I felt with God when we faced rough situations we simply could not handle, nor did we feel safe to discuss with others at the time. Oh, how I cried and prayed and cried some more. I needed wisdom, direction, anything. I needed comfort and assurance that God was still with me. I wasn’t always sure. When the prayers were too long to answer, I felt abandoned. I’m sure the enemy was right there with me, taunting and doing all he could to enforce lies of this nature.
And yet God was doing his miraculous thing even in the pain of it all. He was answering the prayers that I had called out for years prior. We often can’t expect one thing from God and then make him take it away. I had wanted to be broken by God to the point of being used. I had wanted to be fully surrendered to him at whatever cost. He was answering those prayers and doing so with compassion, but I was so focused on the problem, I didn’t realize the love behind it. I did not realize this was the cost of discipleship. I forgot that my future depended on Him, not on myself.
Now that I can look back from a different perspective, I see what He was doing. I see that He was training me for the purpose he called me to. He gave me dreams and he was helping me follow those dreams. In order to follow those dreams I needed to learn how to be compassionate and have more empathy for others.
We don’t realize or remember that it takes fire to change. It takes trials that will test what fruit we have and what fruit we need. Do we need to love more? Be patient more? Learn long-suffering and patience through things we wish would go away? All these things will be tested under not one fire, but many until all the “icky stuff” wrong within us is washed away. This is what that fancy word “sanctification” refers to. This is how we are transformed. This is where the miracles begin. (If you know it, you know it.)
I thought I was doing my best to trust God. I even believed that he was using my suffering for a purpose. But I was angry with him, though I barely admitted it because I was trying to prove my strength in him. I had to be an example for others. I had to prove my strength! But I can see where I had many holes in my faith (not to mention some pride sprinkled in!) I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t immediately giving me what I wanted. Depression set in because of the anger, I tried to pretend away, but stuffed instead. Self-pity took over stealing peace.
Let the Holy Spirit guide your heart and mind in all things, even those painful situations, and let him heal you from the inside out. Be okay with being simply a person created from dust, weak, and needing his complete work. Then trust him for the often painful process. He’s healed me and continues to heal. I am a work in progress. My part is to keep trusting and believing that he can work within that weakness to make something substantial and steadfast in the end. He’s changing me and still working on me.
Contemplative Questions if you dare to go there: How about you? Have you been angry with the process? Have you talked with God about it? Are you willing to admit the anger and process it with him, or are you more likely to stuff and hide? Do you believe God understands your emotions and is compassionate with them, or do you think he is harsh, demanding, and unwilling to allow you to express your heart?
* Hal Donaldson, speaking in an interview with Susie Larson, July 13, 2024, an episode titled “Caring for Yourself and Serving a Hurting World with Hal Donaldson.” Susie Larson’s episodes can be found on Spotify or the FREE Faith Radio app.