There have been several instances at least the last 6 months in which I have sensed the Lord tell me I need to become more childlike in my faith. What does that really mean? Does it mean to have more wonder again, to see the Lord afresh?
I have taken up painting again, especially in the form of watercolors. I’ve surprised myself and definitely find myself exploring like a child, enjoying the way the watercolors flow on paper, or the results of mixing colors or applying other techniques. I’m learning again. And I’m also remembering the way I used to be with my art. I was uptight. It had to be perfect or else. I would spend hours on one painting. I was meticulous over every detail. Did I enjoy it? Yes, because I still enjoy artwork and the results that come out of creativity. No, in the way I would stress over a project due for class. I was an art major, and thoroughly enjoyed the classes, but like any assignment, sometimes it became grueling under pressure.
I thought of that this evening. I am painting for fun! When I was raising kids, I remember complaining that I would never have the time for it again. Perhaps I had lost my creative gifts with paint. Yet it was still there deep within me. I cried this evening as I showed my husband because I remembered that he and a friend of mine had both said, “You will paint again someday.” They were right.
What strikes me this evening is how relaxed I am. I actually decided to paint because I wasn’t feeling well, and anxiety was amping up within me again. I needed to play. I find it interesting that I am relaxed and loose in my work compared to past years. I am not concerned about whether others will like it or if I will get a good grade. And I feel free to be me. Free to express and explore. Free to simply have fun.
Though most journals are self-guided (as in, I just write what’s on my mind,) I have a particular guided journal I attend to now and then. It’s entitled “Soul Care or the Battle” by Susie Larson. It contains a series of questions that help me evaluate where the battles are in life, in conjunction with where my faith is. She looks at whole life care, including how we take care of our physical and mental health, along with our spiritual health. I would highly recommend it! I find it satisfying, encouraging, and thought-provoking. The reason I mention it here, however, is that one of the questions that often puzzles me asks when I have felt most like myself. It’s a tool to help think about good memories and the good that God created in us. Yet, I am often stuck with the question, because I simply do for others, run the household chores, support my husband and volunteer when able. Tonight, I felt like myself. I wasn’t judged by my actions, or critiqued by others, nor was I concerned about it.
I feel as though I was born to be a people pleaser. I have battled with it as long as I can remember, and it plays out with almost every relationship I have. This has been a journey over the last few years, learning to set my boundaries (because I am only one person) and learn to express myself in ways I held back so much as a younger me. I am learning more about how to answer that question, because I think I’m growing to know who I am, the me God created me to be. Most importantly, I’m learning to enjoy and be at peace with who I am. I don’t have to be like the person who gets the most attention. I don’t have to be the one who leads before hundreds to be approved by God. I don’t have to be a famous writer. I don’t have to be perfect in the way I cook or dress, or garden. I can be the me God created me to be, and joyfully serve others in the identity of being a child of God.
There is more to learn here, I know. And it isn’t easy to express what is building up inside me. All I know is that it seems that God is bringing me through another level of healing and understanding.
And with that, I am letting go of perfectionism, even with this article, even though I feel the urge to explain myself more, to judge myself, or to fear that others will judge me. Yeah, that’s me too. That’s the me I’m trying to let go.
Are there some areas in which you feel most like yourself? Can you see the patterns in life that reveal who you are, the you God created to be? The one who can play in childlike wander, as you also serve others with that play?
the me I’m meant to be
the me God created
the me who loves
and serves
and does so with the gifts
fun to use.
because that’s the gentleness of God
giving us gifts we love as well as others love in us…
hmmm…
never pressured by others to conform to their standards
never concerned with judgments of self or others
simply me
fresh, fun, joyful, artistic, adventurous,
classical music,
flowers and plants
deep conversation
baking and sharing
tidy and messy
writing and pondering
decorating or organizing
birds and butterflies
a walk under blue skies or thunder clouds
oh color! Lots of color!
Sensitive.
Deeply felt emotions.
Empathy.
Loyal.
I’m free to be me with you, Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit.
Free to be me.
I love you.
